It was seven o’clock on a beautiful Sunday morning. Toni had been grieving the loss of a five-year relationship. Her adjustment to the separation was very difficult. She had trouble emotionally, trouble sleeping and was suffering from depression because of the relationship ending. When she came into counseling she was particularly clear about her investments in the relationship. She expressed how she had invested so much of herself, her skills and her finances. They were engaged to be married just nine months prior to the separation. They built a home together, a successful business together and supported each other through their individual career advancements. Toni felt that things ended before they could fully realize what they could have become. Just as she sat up to get out of bed that Sunday morning, she paused – laid back down, grabbed her pillow and began crying uncontrollably. She felt cheated. She felt abandoned. She felt she would never trust another relationship again. How could something so right, go so wrong.
Toni felt a range of different emotions. Some made her feel uncomfortable. Her anger had turned to rage, as she forced herself to try to forgive her ex-partner. These feelings came in waves – normally when she felt her best, bad thoughts and feelings would steal those moments from her. I’ll never forget her first session – The one session that would change her life forever.
Session 1
“OK. I’ve heard a lot about you and I need you to help me get better,” she said. “Sure,” I replied. “But you have already started doing that, so maybe I should give you credit and control to finish it,” I said. “Started doing what?” she asked. “Getting better,” I replied. She looked startled, so I continued. “I mean; it looks like you know when you’ve had enough. When you’ve carried as much emotional weight as you can bare and you care enough about yourself to make decisions to change that. There’s something commendable about that.”
Toni went on to explain that she felt she had given all her love to a relationship and since it failed, she would never be able to trust relationships again. Obviously, she had her fair share of failed relationships with distrust and disloyalty being the result of them all. Despite all her previous relationships, this one hurt the most. This one devastated her! To put in in her words, she was “done with love.”
Looking Through Another Lens
I suggested that Toni celebrate the fact that she had given herself to love. Not only did she experience it, but she gave all she had away. She didn’t hold back and as risky and non-reciprocal as love can be she trusted herself enough to engage with it. Love is an experience we share with others and sometimes we share it with the wrong people, but that doesn’t mean that love, in and of itself is not good for us. A a matter of fact, very few people have the opportunity in their lifetime to experience the power and passion of a loving relationship. So when you do have the chance to love, praise your efforts – even if the relationship doesn’t work out.
Love can be risky and Toni took that risk! She bet on love – and lost. She gave it all and none of it came back to her. So what! She did it! When most people are afraid of making the commitments that real love requires because of those risks – Toni did and she should be proud of that. Love is not really about success or failure. It’s about experience and sometimes you have to praise your efforts in the experience to realize the possibilities of ever doing it again.
“You are lucky,” I said to Toni at the end of her session. “Lucky?” she replied. “Yes. Lucky to have not only been in love, but to give it all to one person.” She wiped a final tear from her eye, smiled and said, “When is my next appointment?”.