“When we’re good, we’re good, but when we’re bad – well… let’s just say we’re really bad.” Every relationship has its challenges and every challenge has a solution. To get to that solution you have to chart out a clear path of fully understanding your situation and identifying patterns and habits that have to change. That dynamic is true and works in most relationship conflict resolution strategies, but ‘high-conflict‘ patterns are much more complicated to break.
High-conflict poses significant threats to the health and longevity of the relationship for many different reasons, three of which I will discuss in this article.
High-Conflict relationships thrive on ‘creative tension’, a dynamic that is produced between two people that lead them into conflictual engagement. Their habits, behaviors and energy is reinforced by increased connection when they “come down” off their conflictual tangent.
They always say they want it to stop, but it never does and they often blame their partner because they don’t realize it’s more of a systemic pattern of engagement than it is one person. So, here’s what’s important to know about these episodes:
#1 – They are trauma related:
A history of unresolved childhood trauma can motivate ‘High-Conflict’ interactions in intimate relationships as the capsulated emotions of anger and pain try to resolve themselves in the current relationship. As love, compassion, and intimacy are finding their way to expression in the relationship, the emotions from childhood trauma are expressed to protect the person from harm causing them over-react to conflictual situations.
Not only is childhood trauma significant, but any level of trauma during or prior to the relationship plays a significant role in how people handle conflict. Their brains are wired for reading any level of ‘attack’ and they respond aggressively when they feel that way, even if those feelings are reading their environment incorrectly. .
#2 They are anxiety based:
High-conflict relationships are anxiety based in the sense that they are primarily based on FEAR. The escalation in the conflict is primarily because either one or both partners are trying to protect themselves and they do this by hurting (or at least saying hurtful things) to their partner. Anxiety is the emotion that ultimately gives us survival instinct. It helps us determine whether we fight or flee.The problem is, it offers no middle ground for ‘high-conflict’ relationships, so couples either stay engaged in conflict and arguments or they leave the relationship all together. What they don’t realize and identify with is what they are most afraid of and begin processing and addressing that fear.
#3 They are passion driven:
Measure the energy, the passion, the intensity! Where is it coming from? Why is it so high? What would happen if I paused, took a breath, gathered my self together and thought about what was happening? You would probably realize that there’s more passion in your conflict than there is in the rest of your relationship. This is because the same passion that drives love also drives hatred and anger. Thats why forgiveness is so difficult; because in forgiveness, the same anger that was the result of the pain is the same anger that has to be redirected towards love in order to get to resolution. Two sides of the same coin – Love and hate – totally controlling the emotional life of ‘high-conflict’ relationships and it never stops until it’s own.
If you determine that your relationship is a ‘High-Conflict’ relationship consider getting help to reduce the incidents of conflict and increase the incidents of connection.